articleone : ashcroft
Pilot Episode
[Scene: Senate Committee]
Ashcroft: You know why we're here? To discuss the notions of freedom... and freedom is the single most important thing in life. Committee... did you ever hear people talking about "We should be free"? This is what they're talking about... this whole thing, we're all free now, no one is constrained. Not one person here is controlled, we're all free! There are people trying to control us, they can't touch us. [imitates one of these people "tryin' to control us"; pretends his hand is a phone] "Did you bomb?, I can't kill him." [imitates other person on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again] "I don't know where he's going. He must free." You wanna be free: you get ready, you pick up your firearm, right? You don a uniform, you get all ready, get the vote, get your friends, the tanks, the plans, the war... There you're standing around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're defending you're freedom, you wanna be back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna be free again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta be free.
[Scene: Oval Office. Bush and Ashcroft are sitting at a table]
Ashcroft: Seems to me, the pattern on that tie is the worst I've seen. [talking about George's tie] The tie literally makes or breaks the suit. Look at it: it's too flashy! It hurts my eyes. You look like you're going to a high school reunion.
Bush: My mother gave me this tie. [kind of irritated]
Ashcroft: Did you promise to wear it?
Bush: Yes, she's my mother. I didn't notice the pattern.
Ashcroft: Oh, you didn't notice?
Bush: [pretends he's talking into a microphone] Uh, no, not at that time.
Ascroft: Well, Mr. President, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. [an aide enters the oval office]
Aide: Attorney General. [she gives him a file] Mr. President. [she tries to give him a file, but George stops her]
Bush: Are, are you sure this is my brief? Where's the "for the President's eyes only" sticker?
Aide: It's missing, I have to do it in my head: Attorney General, in front of the desk. President behind the desk, Attorney in front, President behind...it's very challenging work. [ironically]
Ashcroft: Can you relax, it's a brief, Claire is a presidential aide.
Aide: Trust me Mr. President: no one has any interest in you reading it anyway. [she gives the brief and leaves]
Bush: How come you're not coming to my state of union address tomorrow?
Ashcroft: Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in.
Bush: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?
Ashcroft: I told you about Jenna, your daughter?
Bush: No, you didn't!
Ashcroft: I thought I told you about it, yes, she's here learning political science? I met her the night I talked to the senate...[looks in the brief] There's no papers in here, what...
Bush: Wait wait wait, what is she, [takes the brief from Ashcroft and puts it on the table] what is she doing?
Ashcroft: Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real talent and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better.
Bush: [with a big smile] So, ya know, what, what happened?
Ashcroft: Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but is was great.
Bush: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
Ashcroft: Yeah.
Bush: This is great!
Ashcroft: Yeah.
Bush: So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to spend the day with you tomorrow in the office? God bless! Devil you!
Ashcroft: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a hearing and maybe we'll get together.
Bush: [whistles disapproving] Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"?
Ashcroft: Yeah, but...
Bush: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
Ashcroft: Yeah!
Bush: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see my daughter.
Ashcroft: [indignant] What, are you serious...why, why did she call?
Bush: Well, I know my daughter... maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite.
Ashcroft: To be polite? You are insane!
Bush: All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you?
Ashcroft: Yes!
Bush: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency.
Ashcroft: Oh, I get it, this is about the tie.
Bush: [The aide re-enters the oval office; George stops her and writes something on his note-block] Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right?
Aide: What gave it away, Mr. President?
Bush: Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view.
Ashcroft: [to George] Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know?
Bush: [to Claire] Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to [makes some gestures to accent "has to"] come to Washington on business...
Ashcroft: Oh you are beautiful! [ironically]
Bush: : and, and maybe [again some gestures] she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?
Aide: I'd have to say: uuhh, no. [George shows his note-block to John, it says very largely: NOH]
Bush: [to Claire] So why did she call?
Aide: To be polite.
Bush: To be polite, I rest my case.
Ashcroft: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me [stands up], I, I gotta go shred some documents in my office anyway.
Bush: I'm not gonna watch you shred.
Ashcroft: Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy".
Bush: Come on, I'm tired.
Aide: [to Ashcroft] Don't worry, I gave him a little coke this morning: he'll perk up.
Bush: [rubs his eyes; panics] Right, I knew I felt something...! [John is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile]
[Scene: Ashcroft's Office. Ashcroft and George are there; George is staring at one of the shredding machines]
Bush: Ashcroft? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. [walks away from the shredder; a man in a suit passes George and John]
Ashcroft: Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: papers, files, a bin, some lighter fluid; this is not his first shred.
Bush: I need a brake, Ashcroft, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped...
Ashcroft: And you didn't even hear how she spoke to me.
Bush: What?!
Ashcroft: Jenna.
Bush: I can't believe: [falls on his knees] WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!
Ashcroft: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
Bush: [gets up] 'Cause it's signals, Ashcroft [starts snapping his fingers], it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy?
Ashcroft: No.
Bush: She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night!
Ashcroft: Yeah.
Bush: What is that? It's ridiculous! [Ashcroft bobs agreeingly] You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Ashcroft, that's a signal! [snaps his fingers again] Signal!
Ashcroft: Maybe you're right.
Bush: Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. She's my daughter!
Ashcroft: This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
Bush: [puts an arm around Ashcroft and whispers] I know, I know. [normal voice] Listen, your stuff has to be shredded by now, why don't you just see if it's pulp?
Ashcroft: No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.
Bush: You're gonna "overshred" it.
Ashcroft: You, you can't "overshred".
Bush: Why not?
Ashcroft: Same as you can't "undershred". [George looks puzzled] You see, once something is shredded, it's shred. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overshred".
Bush: [looks at the other persons in the office and says to them pointing to Ashcroft] Any questions?
Ashcroft: How could she not tell me where she was staying? [George stands by the shredder again and secretly opens it: the shredder stops working and George closes the lid]
Bush: [points to the shredder] Look at that: they're gone! It's a miracle! [Ashcroft looks surprised]
[Scene: Stenate Hearing]
Ashcroft: "Shredding-day" is the only exciting day in the life of federal documents. It is...no, think about it: the shredding machine is the extreme sport of documents. Ya know, it's dark, there's griding happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there... a brief grabs a transcript: "C'mon babe, let's shred together". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: [shows how documents are acting when you open the lid]... transcripts are the most amazing articles. They hate their lives, they're in the files with old tapes, the boring drawers...the shredder is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the shredder. They plan it in the filing cabinet, the night before: [transcript's voice] "Tomorrow, the shredder, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The shredder-door swings open and the transcript is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road [shows how the transcript is going down the road]. They got "federal inquiry" written all over them: join the media circus...So they're showing me on television talking about why there's black marker through everything...Is this an ugly image to anybody? Black marker? I mean, I, come on, you got public transcript with black marker all over it, maybe shredding isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughtta get the harpoon out your political career first.
[Scene: Aschcroft's Office]
Aschcroft: [The phone rings. He picks it up and says:] If you know what happened in the war, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no [somebody knocks at the door] Yeah? [to the door, while still at the phone]
Powell: [enters] Are you up?
Aschcroft: [To Powell] Yeah...[in the phone] Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem [hangs up the phone].
Powell: Boy, the Marines blew it tonight, huh?
Aschcroft: [upset] Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Powell, it's a tape! I taped the war, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.
Powell: Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...[takes two documents out of his briefcase] You got any black markers?
Aschcroft: [a little irritated] Black markers? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! [Powell walks to the desk and sticks his head in] Well what, what happened in the war anyway?
Powell: [still with his head in the refrigerator] What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! [takes some black markers from a desk drawer and closes it] Ya know, I almost wound up going to that war.
Aschcroft: [cynical] Yeah you almost went to the war. You haven't been out of Washington in ten years!
Powell: Yeah. [Aschcroft sits down on a couch. Powell sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of one of Ashcrofts briefs. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Aschcroft looks at him with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Powell asks:] Are you done with this?
Aschcroft: No.
Powell: [glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the brief back on the desk] When you're done, let me know.
Aschcroft: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
Powell: I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.
Aschcroft: No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing.
Powell: You want me to talk to her?
Aschcroft: I don't think so.
Powell: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. [shows with his fingers how close it was]
Aschcroft: That close, huh?
Powell: You better believe it. [The phone rings. Aschcroft picks it up]
Aschcroft: Hello...Oh, hi, Jenna.
Powell: Give me it...let me talk to her [continues this way].
Aschcroft: [gestures Powell to shut up] No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you?...great...sure...What time does the plane get in?...I got your Dad to take me...[Powell suddenly notices something in the war on TV]...
Powell: A MISSILE!...Wow!
Aschcroft: ...No, it's, it's just the Secretary of State...uhm...yeah, I got it [takes a pencil and a brief to write on] ten-fifteen...No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow...great, bye. [hangs up the phone; to Powell:] I, I don't believe it...That, that was her. She wants to stay here!
[Scene: Ashcroft's Office. Ashcroft and Bush enter, carrying heavy briefcases]
Ashcroft: If my father was carrying this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. [talks from now on like he has a cigarette in his mouth] Have you got the goods?...Your payment's got to come across first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down.
Bush: Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra payment for that woman. Why don't you just have her removed? [sits down]
Ashcroft: [hands George a beer] Look, it's a very awkward situation, I, I don't wanna be to hasty.
Bush: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing of the request?
Ashcroft: All right, she said she would go to the press...
Bush: The press...
Ashcroft: Yeah, a the press, or we pay up.
Bush: You can't be serious. This is Washington: we can eradicate the little bitch! Whatta ya need? An American flag? [waves with his handkerchief] This is the signal, Ashcroft, this is the signal!
Ashcroft: [cynical] This is the signal. Thank you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday?
Bush: I think I was affected by the coke. [suddenly a dog enters the office and jumps George at the couch] HO, HO, HO, GOOD DOG [etc.]
Powell: [walks in behind the dog and closes the door] He really likes you, Mr. President.
Bush: [ironically] Well, that's flattering.
Powell: [sees the briefcases on the floor] Is this for that girl?
Ashcroft: Yeah.
Powell: Why even give her an cent?
Ashcroft: This is a dangerous person, it's not: "How to score on spring break".
Bush: Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-booked, I'm gonna anger some lobby group or other.
Ashcroft: Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to "clean" the documents.
Bush: So what? That's good.
Ashcroft: Now, how could that be good?
Bush: Because some much is good...Whatta you think: the democrats have black markers and shredders lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a blackmailer comin'over: "I've gotta tidy up?" Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.
Ashcroft: This is how you operate?
Bush: Yeah, I wish.
Ashcroft: Let me just burn this brief.
Powell: [stands up from the couch and yells.] WHY EVEN GIVE HER A CENT? [to George, while pointing to the mattress] It's unbelievable.
Bush: Yeah.
Powell: ...How's the supreme commander business?
Bush:...[surprised he asked] It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you need something.
Powell: Do you handle any energy companies?
Bush: Well, I might be getting in to that.
Powell: [slaps George on the arm] You keep me posted!
Bush: I'm aware of you, all right, let's go [opens the bathroom door], let's go! [Ashcroft and the dog come out] You're on stage in 25 minutes.
[Scene: Comedy club.]
Ashcroft: The political world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if a senator comes over to my office, I gotta get that office ready, 'cause he needs things. Senators need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that...Ya know what they need, Senators seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I'm, always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball right now"...I can certainly get out of this mess...Senators need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat-moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, Senators? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of the White House Bathroom bins, there's two of three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them...I once met a Senator who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my office floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure Washington is a dead town: "Let's move on"... The political world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a press conference is a job-interview, that lasts for hours. The only difference between a press-conference and a job-interview is: not many press-conferences is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it...ya know: "Well, Anne, the boss thinks you're the woman for the President, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?".
[Scene: Airport. Ashcroft and George are waiting for Jenna]
Ashcroft: Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?
Bush: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'.
Ashcroft: Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a senate inquiry.
Bush: Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.
Ashcroft: Really? How?
Bush: 'Cause it's all in the greeting.
Ashcroft: Uh-huh.
Bush: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Ashcroft: Right.
Bush: Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is good.
Ashcroft: "Lip-area".
Bush: Ya know a hug: definitely good.
Ashcroft: Hug is definitely good.
Bush: Sure.
Ashcroft: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
Bush: That's so brutal, I hate that.
Ashcroft: Ya know how they do that?
Bush: That's why, ya know, a shake is bad.
Ashcroft: Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
Bush: Hand-sandwich.
Ashcroft: Right.
Bush: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...[suddenly a woman approaches Ashcroft from behind and puts her hands over Ashcroft's eyes]
Jenna: Guess who?
Ashcroft: Hey, hey.
Jenna and Ashcroft: Heeeey! [they take each others hands like they're planning to do a folk dance]
Ashcroft: It's good to see you.
Jenna: Hi.
Ashcroft: Say hello to your Dad!
Jenna: [shakes George's hand] Hi Daddy.
Bush: How's my little girl?
Ashcroft: She's old enough to vote, Mr. President - call her Jenna.
Bush: Jenna, sure.
Ashcroft: [to Jenna] I can't believe you're here.
Bush and Ashcroft: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. [they pick up the bags]
Jenna: Oh, thank you.
Ashcroft: [privately to George] Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, Mr. President?
Bush: Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting". That wasn't in the manual, but I still taught it to her.
[Scene: Ashcroft's Office. Ashcroft shows Jenna the Office]
Ashcroft: So uh, what do ya think?
Jenna: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.
Ashcroft: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh, make yourself at home. [Jenna sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt] So uh, can I get you anything?
Jenna: [laughs] Actually uhm, do you have any policy documents?
Ashcroft; Uh, yeah, I think I do.
Jenna: Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? [points to the lamp]
Ashcroft: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. [she turns down the lamp]
Jenna: Uh, John, uh, I was wondering: would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, for me to visit tomorrow too?
Ashcroft: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin' anything?
Jenna: No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I'm right open.
Ashcroft: Really? What would you like to do?
Jenna: Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those Presidential limo rides around the consulates.
Ashcroft: [doubtfully] Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. [the phone rings; he picks it up] Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. [to Jenna] Uhm, it's for you.
Jenna: [she takes the phone] Hello?...Hi!...no no it was great, right on time...no, I, I'm gonna visit here tomorrow...yes, yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a limo-ride...don't be silly...I'm not gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye [she hangs up the phone]. Never get engaged.
Ashcroft: You're engaged?
Jenna: You, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster.
Ashcroft: You're engaged? [still can't believe it]
Jenna: Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation.
Ashcroft: You're engaged! [like he's answering his own question]
Jenna: Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy...
Ashcroft: Yeah.
Jenna: You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get in that limo.
Ashcroft: Me too!
[Scene: Senate Inquiry.]
Ashcroft: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what the voters are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Voters, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle... preassure groups are not subtle, they are obvious. Lobbyists know what they want, Senators know what they want, what do voters want? I know I want votes, that's it!...It's the only thing I know for sure, it really is: I want votes. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see politicians on television, holding press conferences. These are the best ideas we've had so far...Larry King Live, is that a beauty? Have you seen politicians doing this? What is this? The politician is in on television, the voters watching, he "ers": [imitates stuttering politician] e-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh, this man is out of ideas. How does it...? [imitates stuttering e-e-e-eeeehhhh], "They told me he'd be nice"...The amazing thing is, that we still get votes, don't we. Politicians, I mean, we get votes. How are politicians getting votes, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. "Where ever votes are?", we have a focus group working on the situation right now. Now, they may not be our best people, OK, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene...That's why, I think, politicians get frustrated, when we see voters reading articles, like: "Budget Deficit Grows?". We're here, we are everywhere. We're on television to serve you better.