because it's sickening to watch

Thanks to a great pitch by Disney, snoop doggy dog will be playing the role of Angry Miami Citizen in my movie. He even has his own rap;

Elian look here you little pale faced dude
You been cauzin' trouble ever since
You floated in on dat inner tube
You got Miami and Cuba all outta whack
Go back home ya little snott nosed wet back
Your image is filling up all the antennas and Sattelite dishes
You shoulda stayed out there wit dem dar fishes
But now ya stayin' here cuz your tube ran aground
Look here you little punk, git outta my town
I'm sick and tired of seeing you on my TV
Boy you signed a document? Come on, ya can't even pee
I'm tired of seeing your little skinny ass get caught
Playing on TV with the toys my tax dollars bought
So I hope da next plane somebody buys ya ain't no toy
Because when you git yo commi ass out of here
We all gonna leap and jump for joy.

Thanks to NeedmoCash@****.com for the lyrics.

Tuesday, April 18, 2000

E!Online have announced my movie! In all the fuss and bother of the past few days it been good to know some members of the media have been concentrating on the really important issues.

Monday, April 17, 2000

Disney has just send through a copy of the first song Sally Field will be singing in my animated feature. It goes something like…

I want to flee to America
Star spangled and free in America.
Sail to Miami, America
That’s where we’ll be in America.

One day from Cuba we will all run.
Soon our journey will have begun
But I will not leave without my son.
Gather your Pokemon Elian!

I want to float to America.
I want to by Coke in America.
I want to smoke dope in America.
There’s plenty of hope in America.

We’ll escape the clutches of Castro.
Freedom burns like a case of the gastro.
We’ll leave behind the communist scum.
Put down those red flags Elian!

I want to sail to America.
It’s easy to jump bail in America.
It’s our holy grail, America.
We cannot fail in America!

With apologies to Bernstein and Sondheim.

Thursday, April 13, 2000

My agent is recommending I go with Disney on the script they've come up with. "The Little Cuban Boy - an animated feature film". Sally Field will be the voice of my mother, reprising her "Not Without My Daughter" role. Julio Iglesias will play the voice of my father. There will be singing and dancing and a magical dolphin that helps me out when I'm in trouble in Miami.
My agent tells me this is my one shot - and even if they do send me back to Cuba, I can still smuggle voice recordings back to America for use in the film.
The Little Mermaid, The Lion King and Me. I think I better drop the bad-boy act if this is going to work. No more cap-guns. Sigh.

Back home in Cuba, at school, I was so skinny and bad at soccer and had no friends. But here in the US, everyone knows my name and wants to be my friend. People no longer steal my lunch, but shares theirs with me! I don't get picked on any more; instead, I get to pick on others. I love America.

It's not certain, but it looks like Time Warner is going to pick up the script. It's about time, because it looks like I'm running out of time here. Unless I can get in some sort of tangelled contractual agreement with TIme Warner, they're gonna send me home. I don't wanna go home!

I just tried my first taste of Pepsi One. Is it some sort of sick joke? It has about as much taste as a bowl of brussel sprouts. Maybe there are reasons to return to Cuba after all.

Wednesday, April 12, 2000

Good day today. I've been approached by Nike to be the new spokesboy for their new line of swimwear. This is just the type of coverage I need to get my burgeoning acting career off the ground. A series of three ads will be produced, based around the premise that I'm escaping Cuba for the freedom to buy high-quality-cutting-edge-technology-fantastically-designed sportswear. I use a contraband Nike swimsuit to make my dash to freedom, swimming past the Statue of Liberty... and then around the coast to Miami. I'm itching to get that Nike swimsuit on. I hope they've got one in my size.

Well, my agent managed to pull a few strings and I won't be heading back to Cuba just yet. I was supposed to meet up with Dad, but now the whole thing is shot. Which'll look great in the screenplay - almost together, cruelly torn apart at last moment, reunited at final shot, close-up on teary-eyed cuban boy...
I kinda wanted to see Dad, but it doesn't matter, because I've started to get a bad-boy image happening, and it's just not cool to have Dad around just now. Parents are just soooo embarrassing.

Tuesday, April 11, 2000

I'm going to see Dad again. It's strange, but I feel pretty happy about this. I have a couple of things to ask him. Like, how to deal with a lousy agent who's insisting on a 20% cut of any profits made from the book he's having ghost-written for me.
Or how to deal with these tall, leggy blondes that have suddenly appeared in my life. Now, I'm not complaining, but how is a six-year-old to cope with the needs of one woman, let alone three? I mean, it's great for my image, but not something I can handle on ten-dollars-a-week pocket money.

Just got off the phone to Steven Spielberg. He says to me, "sure, i like the idea, kid, but i'm not touching the story. too commercialised". Commercialised? Hasn't he ever seen Schindler's List? It made it onto Seinfeld for God's sake!
I wish that show was still on. I would've made an appearance for sure. I reckon "the little cuban boy" is a lot funnier than "the bubble boy". My dad never let me watch Seinfeld much, but I dig that Kramer guy. He's funny.

CNN have approached me about filming my trip back to Cuba. I'm cool with that. Coverage is everything, as they say down at the Immigration Department. Get enough coverage and I'm bound to stir enough hearts and stay in the spotlight long enough that the talent scouts will notice.
I never thought Hollywood would be so hard to break into. What type of communist island do you need to escape from to get noticed around here? Although I've had several approaches, there's been nothing firm. I go to the right parties, meet the right people (jeez that Tom Hanks is a nice fellow), but so far, no bites. I've even got someone shopping round a script for me, although the end bit is still a bit fuzzy.
I wonder if Action Man ever had days like this?

ABC want to do another interview. I sick of these damn interviews. Everywhere I go, reporters, reporters, reporters. I wouldn't mind, but they're just riding my coat-tails. Now, if they would just pay up, show me the money, then I'd be happy to put aside the homework for a while and chat about whether Jennifer Lopez will be playing my mother in the movie. I don't know. I'd kill for a coffee and a chuppa-chup.

So, I'm talking to Angelina Jolie about moving back to Cuba, which I'm not too happy about, and I'm telling her about the script CBS put forward, and she says, "hey, why don't you just film it all over there", and I'm like, not too impressed about that. Cuba? Is she for real? I've been there, and there are just no film prospects at the moment. The whole scene is dead.
So I say to her, "look, I want a professional film in a professional studio with my own damn personal trainer", and light up another cigarette, just so I can blow smoke in her face. Then she says something, I forget what, because I notice this Pokemon truck passing by, and I start to wonder when the new trading cards will be available down the road.